I will be setting up a new live attraction. It involves a big hall, uv lights and lots of house flies.

First thing I'll do is trap 10,000 house flies by leaving out some attractive horse and cow manure in an open barn. Once plenty of flies have entered I will quickly seal off the dung and switch on some glueboard Insect-o-Cutors without the glueboards. As they gather on the devices I can put trash cans over them and gradually collect my new friends.

Second: Spray glow-in-the-dark paint (as a fine mist) into the trash cans containing the flies. The paint needs to be made of quinine. This is edible and is made from the bark of the Peruvian Cinchona tree. Look, I'm not making this up, honest! Anyway, this stuff (also found in Tonic Water) glows in the dark.

Third: Hire a prestigious hall in the middle of a major city (any ideas where?). I need it to be large with a viewing balcony and dentist chairs on the floor. Why dentist chairs? Read on...

Fourth: Get about 500 "Black Lights". These lights emit ultra-violet (uv) light and NO visible light at all. Configure the black lights round the exhibition hall at varying heights (but not too high and not below door height).

Fifth: Commission a new piece of music to be written especially for the event. Throw in Strauss' Blue Danube Waltz, some cool jazz and r&b.

Sixth: Now this is the really cool bit: program the lights to switch on in sequence with the music. Flies are attracted to uv light but humans can't see it at all. As each light switches on the luminous flies will head for it. The really arty bit is to program the lights so that the flies' glowing dance is perfectly choreographed to the music.

Remember, as they are all luminous they will be attracted to each other as well, so they will keep a perfect tight formation in flight as they head to each light. Part of the audience will be below in dentist chairs. Why? So they can look up without straining their neck, stupid! The rest of the audience will be on balconies above the flight level of the flies (they rarely rise above a certain height). In an otherwise pitch black hall, the 3D dance of the luminous flies will be glorious. One of the great spectacles of the century!

This idea is called Fly Dance and is copyright ©Arkay Cost Reduction Ltd February 2005

I am hoping that the flies will enjoy themselves. Perhaps after throwing them this cultural lifeline they will stop vomiting on our food, invading our kitchens, ruining picnics and generally being a nuisance.

If you don't think flies will reform themselves you may need to resort to more direct methods. Have a look at the range of Insectocutor products